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Sammy Sosa has retired from baseball.

Yeah, I was almost positive he’d already retired, as well, but let’s go ahead and call this news anyway. To make a long story short, Sosa has announced that he’s going to make an announcement. He seemed to have missed the spotlight, so he chirped up and said,

“Hey guys! Remember me? I’m going to retire now, since I haven’t played a major league baseball game since 2007 and no one wants my services.”
“Everything I achieved, I did it thanks to my perseverance, which is why I never had any long, difficult moments [as a baseball player]. If you have a bad day in baseball, and start thinking about it, you will have ten more,” he explained.  ”I will calmly wait for my induction to the Baseball Hall of Fame.  Don’t I have the numbers to be inducted?”

Don’t hold your breath, buddy.  That last question must have been rhetorical, because no one seemed to have the answer to it.  Sadly, with all of the proven (and unproven) steroids allegations these days, it will be difficult for players like Sosa, Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire — players with incredible numbers — to ever get a foot in the door to Cooperstown after choosing to live like dishonest douchebags.  The box score does not always supercede a man’s character when he lands on the Hall of Fame ballot, and whether he cheated or not, Sosa may be found guilty by association.

We might as well reflect on Sosa’s career now, since he brought it up.  The Dominican slugger, who spent the majority of his career with the Chicago Cubs (1992-2004) had a total of 609 home runs, including three 60+ homer seasons: 66 bombs in 1998, 63 in 1999 and 64 in 2001.  During his most recent stint with the Texas Rangers, he hit 21 longballs and drove in 92 runs in just 114 games.  This suggested he still had stuff, I guess.

It’s been a while, though, since Sosa has brought any sort of positivity to the game.  When he and McGwire were chasing Roger Maris‘ single-season home run record?  Good times.  Sosa didn’t wear the home run crown that year, but he did end up sporting the MVP Award and leading the Cubs into the postseason.  That was, however, a decade ago.  A much different time for the game.  The bittersweet season of 2003 comes to mind when trying to pin-point just when his relationship with Chicago fell apart.  And after abandoning his team on the last day of the following season, he stopped showing up on magazine covers and starting sucking in Baltimore and then Texas.

Now it’s been over a full season since he’s played at all, and like, five years since he was even relevant. Please stay gone this time, Sammy.  It’s the best thing for everyone.

Other players’ who can’t seem to let go whose official retirement announcements we have to look forward to: Bonds, Pedro Martinez, and now, Tom Glavine.  Can’t wait!