Well I was with one of my friends, and he mentioned that the Bengals are the Lindsay Lohan of the NFL, and that gave me an idea for my next power rankings. I’ve seen people do power rankings comparing the teams to candy and it was a big hit, so I’m going to one up that and compare every NFL to the female celebrity that best fits them…..
1) Colts – Marisa Miller
Are there any real weaknesses with this Colts team? Are there any weaknesses with Marisa Miller? Point made.
2) Ravens – Scarlett JohannsonAnother team who is at their peak, yet still has a bright future. Scarlett Johannson is at her peak, and still has a bright future. No weaknesses and I’m pretty sure anyone would love to have this Ravens team.
3) Jets – Megan FoxVery talented team with a swagger to them. Megan Fox looks like a girl that wouldn’t take anything from anyone. Rex Ryan has this Jets team playing like that. They’re a smashmouth team that will punch you in your mouth.
4) Cowboys – Paris Hilton
The Cowboys always need to be in the media. They’re one of, if not the, most popular team in the NFL. Everyone needs to know if Tony Romo is on vacation or not, what he ate for breakfast, what time he brushed his teeth, etc. Paris Hilton is the same way, media everywhere. The Cowboys are a very talented and flashy team. Paris Hilton is one of the most flashy celebrities around.
5) Saints – Kim Kardashian
The Saints are a very flashy high profile offensive team. Everyone wants to watch them play every Sunday. Kim Kardashian is a very flashy, high profile person. It still amazes me that “The Kardashians” actually has viewers, but people want to watch her, just like they do with the Saints.
6) Vikings – Demi Moore
Does Demi Moore ever age? She looks the same age now as she did in her twenties. Brett Favre is in his forties and he’s coming off the best season of his career. Neither one of them ever seem to age.
7) Packers – Gemma Atkinson
Gemma Atkinson was on top of the world with her boyfriend Christiano Ronaldo. The Packers were one top of the world with their star franchise QB, Brett Favre. But like Favre, Ronaldo left. But like the Packers, Atkinson ended up even better off than before, as she is one of the most saught after women in the world.
8) Chargers – Mandy Moore
The Chargers have a fantastic team, but does anyone in San Diego care? Even when they’re winning the division and have one of the most dynamic offense’s in the NFL, they still can’t sell out. Mandy Moore is actually a pretty good actress, but does anyone care? Her movies are almost never box office hits.
9) Bengals – Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan is up and down all the time, in and out of rehab. That’s half the Bengals roster for you. If you watch Mean Girls, you’ll see Lindsay Lohan
10) Falcons – Adriana Lima
The Falcons have a great team, but I don’t think they even know how good they are. Everyone’s conceding the NFC South to the Saints. Matt Ryan looked like he had no confidence towards the end of last season. Adriana Lima is one of the most beautiful women alive, but she’s married to…Marco Jaric? I’m wondering if she really knows that she could easily do a lot better, same with the Falcons.
11) Texans – Amanda Bynes
Remember when the Texans were just a little expansion team that nobody feared? Remember when Amanda Bynes was just a little kid with a show on Nickelodeon? Well the Texans have grown up and can compete with anyone, Amanda Bynes has done the same.
12) Dolphins – Amber Lancaster
Is there anything wrong with Amber Lancaster? I can’t think of anything. After the Dolphins picked up Brandon Marshall, I can’t see a single hole on their roster. They have no weaknesses, they’re just a solid all-around team with no flaws.
13) Patriots – Jennifer Aniston
The Patriots dominated most of the 2000′s, but they’re slowly on their way down. They are still a team to be reckoned with though, and they won’t go down without a fight. Jennifer Aniston also dominated the 2000′s, but is slowly on her way down. There’s no doubt that she is still up there with the best of them though.
14) 49ers – Vanessa Hudgens
Like Amanda Bynes, Vanessa Hudgens made her debut as a kid. She was the High School Musical girl that nobody outside of teenagers paid attention to. Then she took some pictures for her boyfriend and now she’s an icon. 49ers coach, Mike Singletary has also been known to show some skin ( http://www.misunderestimation.com/in…-to-the-49ers/ ) But the 49ers are ready to take over that division and become a force in the NFC.
15) Titans – Ke$ha
The Titans have a real swagger when they play. They may not be the most talented team from top to bottom, but they are still a good team with an attitude to back them up. Ke$ha’s music may not be the best, but it’s catchy and she’ll be the first girl to get in a fight at a party. The Titans run it down your throat with Chris Johnson mentality and hard hitting defense is what they need to win games.
16) Giants – Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson was at her peak in 2007, the Giants won the Super Bowl in 2007. Although Jessica Simpson isn’t what she once was, she is still one of the more desired women out there right now. The Giants aren’t the same team as in 2007, but they are still not a team to be taken lightly.
17) Steelers – Angelina Jolie
The Steelers are a badass team. They strike fear in their opponents. They have a hard hitting defense and on offense always in attack mode. They have players that get into trouble, but they’re still very talented from top to bottom. All you have to do is watch “Wanted” and you’ll see that Angelina Jolie is a perfect fit as a girl that you do not want to mess with.
18) Eagles – Avril Lavigne
Avril Lavigne had a divorce with Sum 41′s lead singer, who she has known since she was in her early teens, but she is still on top of her game in her music career and modeling career. The Eagles fans might not even remember the days before McNabb wasn’t behind C, but they split up and are now going with Kolb. They may not have the stability with McNabb, but they’re still in good shape.
19) Redskins – Nicole Richie
The Redkins almost try too hard to be the Cowboys. They go after glamorous free agents, they always try and be in the news, and they want star players with attitudes. But they just never live up to the Cowboys. They’ll always be like their mini sidekick, just like Nicole Richie is to Paris Hilton.
20) Panthers – Hayden Panettiere
Hayden Panettiere is never considered as the hottest girl out there, but she is always in that second tier. She’s a girl that you just think is really cute. That’s the Panthers for you. They’re never considered an elite team, but they’re always hanging right around playoffs territory.
21) Bears – Maria Sharapova
Maria Sharapova likes popular athletes who are extremely cocky. She started with Christiano Ronaldo, and now she’s with Sasha Vujacic, two athletes that are known more for their big heads than their play on the field. The Bears seem to be attracted to that as well, going after Jay Cutler and Julius Peppers so hard. The Bears have a lot of pieces, but who knows if the chemistry will be there.
22) Broncos – Ellen Page
The Broncos are a quiet team. Tim Tebow is the most noise they’ve made, and he’s as good off the field as anyone in the league. They have no off the field problems, and they’re not a bad team on the field either. Have you ever heard of Ellen Page in any scandal at all? You never see her out drunk partying, DUI’s, in a nasty breakup, anything like that. She just continues to be a great actress.
23) Lions – Emma Stone
The Lions have been making all the right moves lately, and are on the upswing. The drafting of Delmas, Jahvid Best, Branden Pettigrew, etc. The free agent signings of Kyle Vandenbosh, Julian Peterson, etc. They’re making all the right moves. Emma Stone hit the jackpot with Superbad, but she’s followed it up making another hit in Zombieland. She’s still very young and on the way up, but not quite there just yet.
24) Cardinals – Hedi Montag
The Cardinals were better before they started making all of these changes. Kurt Warner retired, Anquan Boldin is gone, Samari Rolle is gone, Karlos Dansby is gone, etc. Hedi Montag was also a lot better before she started making all of those changes. She had one too many surgeries and now she has a lot of work to do to be what she was.
25) Seahawks – Stacy Kiebler
What happened to the Seahawks? They were so dominating throughout the 2000′s, but then just fell off the map. The same thing happened with Stacy Kiebler. She was everywhere in the 2000′s, but now she’s just disappeared.
26) Chiefs – Taylor Swift
The Chiefs just seem like innocent team. They’d be easy to mess with and joke around about, but in the end, they have a lot of great pieces. Jamaal Charles played like a top 5 RB last year, Brandon Flowers is an elite CB, Tamba Hali played great last year, etc. They’re on the right track. Taylor Swift always sings about how she was the nerdy kid in High School that everybody picked on. Well not anymore. I think the Chiefs are ready to follow in those footsteps.
27) Jaguars – Mila Kunis
The Jags fly under the radar a lot. They have one of the best player’s in the league in Maurice Jones-Drew, but he doesn’t get enough credit for what he does. The Jags could have a good team and still not sell out their stadium. Mila Kunis is very underrated. She’s not a bad actress and she’s jaw dropping. But her movies are almost always flops outside of “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. “Extract” was a huge box office flop. It shows no matter how hot she is, people still aren’t going to her movies. Same thing with the JAgs games on Sunday.
28) Raiders – Sandra Bullock
Sandra Bulluok does not know how to pick a man. Jesse James was one of the biggest mistakes of her life. The Raiders also don’t know how to pick a man. Jamarcus Russell and now Darius Heyward-Bey were some of the biggest mistakes of Al Davis’ life.
29) Bills – Jenna Fischer
The Bills just fly under the radar every year. They’re not a bad team, but they’re not talked about on ESPN or NFL Network at all. I’m not even sure if they’ve mentioned the word “Bills” all offseason. Jenna Fischer is a very good actress and she’s gorgeous, yet, you never hear anything about her. Everyone watches the Office, but nobody really pays much attention to her outside of that show.
30) Browns – Vanessa Minnillo
Vanessa Minnillo’s seems to be cute enough, but she has had terrible luck with guys. First Derek Jeter, now Nick Lachey, it seems like nobody wants to stay with her. Just like nobody wants to stay in Cleveland, no matter what pieces they have on that team.
31) Bucs – Selena Gomez
Selena Gomez has a very bright future in front of her. In 5 years, guys will be drooling over her. But as of right now, she’s just not there yet. That’s the Bucs for you. With young, talented pieces in place like Aquib Talib, Josh Freeman, and Greg McCoy, they have a very bright future, but they’re not there just yet.
32) Rams – Miley Cyrus
The Rams are doing everything they can to be considered a real NFL team, but they just can’t be taken seriously yet. Miley Cyrus is desperately trying to break away from her Disney Channel role, but she just isn’t there yet.
Some of them came to me right away, others are some reaches, but this was the best I could do lol. And yes, there are my power rankings in order too