- Peyton Manning is that good, but Baltimore is also that bad
- When player safety was addressed this off season I don’t think scoring safety’s was what they meant
- As much as things change, they stay the same… isn’t that right San Diego?
- Adrian Peterson is the result of a genetic experiment involving Barry Sanders, Jim Brown, Walter Payton and Earl Campbell and there is nothing anyone can do to stop him.
Week one as always has the pundits telling us who will be in the super bowl based on just one game and here at the GBU we would like to pretend we are different… but we ain’t… Denver will play the 49ers in a super bowl that has no defense!!!! It’s possible I suppose, but that is what we say now and will undoubtedly change our minds next week… and the week after that… and the week after that… and the week after… well you get the picture. Without further undue prognostication let’s get right to it with:
- Denver Broncos
7. Not only is that Elways number but also the count on the TD passes thrown by Mr. Rocket-laser-arm in the season opener. That puts him on pace for 112 tosses into the end zone this year by my math. Not likely to happen you say? Ok, you got me there. I will grant you that the Ravens D is not very good at all, well frankly they suck. Denver’s defense is missing some key players but didn’t look all that bad allowing only 36% of the Ravens 3rd downs to be converted. The stats in just one game will never tell a season story so we will just have to wait till week 3 on that. For now the Broncos get their ‘revenge’ for last year and now get to face Big Blue.
- New England Patriots
Just to make things interesting next year Tom Brady will be throwing to the cheerleaders. Say what you will, all this team does is win. No Welker? Big Deal. Hernadez turns into a serial killer? No Problem. The Gronk isn’t ready coming off of back surgery? And? Pats fans are intolerable to say the least, but when they say ‘We got Brady, we ain’t worried’ you can’t be mad at the truth.
- Buffalo Bills
Yes they lost, but a rookie QB facing the Pats and loses on a last gasp field goal? Hey this may be the highlight of their season in the land of chicken wings so to the Good you go.
- Chicago Bears
Don’t get excited Chi-town… The Bengals Bungled and you won… big whoop.
- Miami Dolphins
This win is credited to the NFL scheduling guru for allowing you to face Cleveland State Technical Trade School University in week 1. Enjoy it while you can.
- Detroit Lions
AP may have run AD, but I guess Reggie Bush didn’t get the memo on how he is washed up. Suh did his best to prove Warren Sapp is his hero as usual, but a win is a win. Stafford looked good and just maybe the Lions can make a run at something besides a top 10 pick this year.
- Adrian Peterson
Yes I put the cyborg known as AP or AD or just as the Blur in the good despite his team losing. Beastly just doesn’t do him justice… I find myself at loss for words to ride his jock any more than we already do here at the GBU so we shall just leave it at that…
- Indianapolis Colts
I want to tell you what a great win it was against Oakland and Tyrell Pryor, but I just can’t. it is a W though and in the end that is all that counts. Luck on my friends…
- Kansas City Chiefs
KC hasn’t been in the GOOD since… well I don’t recall ever seeing them any higher than the bad actually… so good on ya! Part of this win is credited to the scheduling guru as with Miami’s win. When you play a D-3 college team you have to get a win, right?
- New Orleans Saints
Welcome back Sean Payton is not what Matt Ryan and the dirty birds are thinking after the Saints opened their redemption 2013 campaign with a win at their expense. Did the Saints look great? No, but as we always say here… a win is a win, ugly or not.
- Tennessee Titans
The opening kickoff that touched off 87 safety’s in the NFL this week notwithstanding, also the fact that Pittsburgh did it’s best impression of the Browns, the Titans look to have a decent running game with the addition of Greene and Battle. I am sure if they win a few more we at the GBU will have fun with those three names.
A few of history’s great QB’s have played in the city by the bay… Joe Cool, Steve the Mormon… and Now some kid named Colin Kaepernick? Well his name is kinda funny but his stat line wasn’t funny to the cheese heads: 27/39 412 yrds 3 td’s and 0 int’s. he isn’t HoF bound just yet but he is looking good. Oh and that washed up dude Boldin who was traded to them for a box of old used jock straps and some leather helmets? 13 rec for 208 yards and a TD to boot. Maybe the 9ers don’t have the I-lost-to-my-brother-in-the-super-bowl blues after all…
- St. Louis Rams
Yah a win!!! That is all.
- Philadelphia Ducks… I mean Eagles
What do ducks and eagles have in common? Beyond them both having feathers I think that is about it. Chip Kelly brought his high paced offense from the great rainy Northwest and it looked kinda good… for now. I wonder if Andy Reid is wondering what would have happened if he didn’t eat the running plays every preseason as a bedtime snack? There are many ‘ifs’ going forward but for now part of teams prep for the Iggle’s will be to bring in Vladi Divac to teach acting classes during the weekly walk through.
- Houston Texans
Before the 4th quarter this team was bound for the floor in the Ugly. Yet, as we will talk about later, the Bolts choked and the Texans get one of the best come backs in history. Is it odd that the biggest playoff come back on history belongs to Houston? Hmm… maybe it is in the Oil down there…
And now, as is tradition, a musical interlude…
- Seattle Seahawks
Yes, I am aware they won. I am also aware of how good they are supposed to be and a 5 point win over the Carolina Skunks is anything but good, in fact it’s…
- Oakland Raiders
Don’t worry Oakland, you will be right back down in the Uggo’s where you belong soon enough. McFadden made it through a game without a major injury for once and that kid Pryor wasn’t too awful. Too bad you have to play Denver twice… and any other team not named the Jags or Browns.
- The New York Jets
What the @$%$? Another winning team in the Bad? Well, since this win came courtesy of a blunder by the Bucs, yes this is exactly where you belong. By the way, Rex Ryan put Sanchez in late in that pre-season game on purpose. Have a nice day.
- Dallas Cowboys
Hi, my name is Jayke Steel and I am a Dallas hater. I don’t deny it, in fact my top 5 hated teams in the NFL are (in no particular order) Dallas, Baltimore, Dallas, Oakland, and Dallas. If you get 6 turnovers and the other team is within 24 points of you at the end of the game, you suck. If your team has a big blue star on their helmets, you suck. If Tony Romo is your QB, you suck. If your team owner makes Al Davis look like Art Rooney then you suck. Are you getting the picture yet?
P.S. Dallas sucks.
- Green Bay Packers
This is specifically for A.J. Green… Too much talk and not enough points to win makes you Rex Ryan. STFU and play ball. Maybe you and discount double check boy should have flown grill class to ‘Frisco.
- Washington Redskins
Let me be the 2756584th person to state the obvious; RG III looked rusty due to lack of playing in the preseason. That is all.
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Now folks, it is time for the worst of the worst, the just plain nasty, unwatchable, inexcusable, smelly, dirty, greasy, 12 sandwich eatin… well you get it right? It is time for:
- The AFC North
Leading off the Uggo’s is the entire AFC North. Starting with Baltimore’s ineptitude in Denver, to Pittsburgh’s and Cleveland’s inability to produce any offense and finishing up with the Bungles being the Bungles the division went 0-4 in week 1. The last time all 4 teams lost in the same week was week 10 in 2010. To be honest, the Bungles and Ravens have a chance to bounce back, but the Steelers and Browns just might be this bad.
- Carolina Panthers
Yup, you still suck just like last year. All I really have to say is Ron Rivera.
- New York Football Giants
Eli must have hit his head because he did his best impression of Tony Romo and when did Tiki Barber come back to the team in a Wilson uniform? The good news? Even with 6 turnovers you were still in it at the end… till Eli threw a pick. Up next, a family night…
- Jacksonville Jaguars
How bad is this team? So bad that people think their only answer is Tim Tebow… as their Quarter Back. Let the race for the 2nd pick in the 2014 draft commence, number is sewed up already.
- San Diego Super Chargers
OH MY GOD!!! Norv Turner Sucks!!! AJ Smith is a horrible GM!!! Fire them all and this is a playoff team!!! Do it right meow!!!
Yea, how’d that work out for you? Should have wore those powder blues, you would have at least looked good choking on MNF.
- Tampa Bay Bucs
And the winner of this weeks dunderhead award is… Linebacker Lavonte David!! Without him Rex Ryan might have already lost his job.
That is all we have for this week people, tune in next week when we hear Chucky say: ‘Mike, I think the team that scores the most points will win this game tonight!!!’ Send all hate mail, love letters and death threats to firstname.lastname@example.org and find us on Facebook (The GBU) and twitter @GBUCentral and as always remember this is just my opinion and that and $5 plus tax will get you a meatball sub all month at Subway!